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| Scams, barking dogs, and run-on complaints, oh my! |
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To the folks with the dog that just stands there and barks at breezes blowing the foliage around, a blade of grass, its tail, etc.:
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GET A DOG FOR?!?!?! All you do is let it run around your dinky back yard and bark incessantly, or you tie it up to a god damn tree for some reason--seeing as how it can't even get out of your fenced-in yard--and let it bark incessantly there. I wish I were exaggerating but your dog just does not STOP!! Day after day after fucking day and well into the god damn night it just stands there: "BARKBARKBARK!" Christ! I'd blame the dog but it doesn't know any better and it's actually a nice dog so I feel sorry for it, but you people just need to take some god damn responsibility! "Get some earplugs," you might say? Well fuck you! I tried, believe me, but the powers that be decided it would be pretty funny to make me allergic to every single material to come in contact with my skin and that conveniently includes any earplugs ever made. Ever. Plus, I shouldn't have to! Turn off your fucking tv, take your dog for a walk, and give your neighbors a fucking break!
To Utah:
AAAAAGH why do you have to be the MLM scheme capitol of the world? Oh yeah because you were founded by the biggest of them all. Why do I have to live smack in the middle of the pop-mark that is Orem? Why can't I find a job anywhere so I can save up money to move out of here? Why are you so filled with Mormons and Morons? Oh well. I'm kind of used to all that so really it's just a dull ache at this point that I tolerate. Christ what a rash it can be sometimes though!
Actually I can deal with Mormons; they're pretty fun to mess with and just stupid, myopic and scared but that's not my problem. It's the Morons--those who make up the happy little cadre of counter culture here that I absolutely cannot stand. It's one thing to hate a cult and actively take a stand against the wrongs it inflicts upon you and those you love, but when you're being controversial just to be a dick and continue to treat everyone with the exact same social contempt as the cult you hate simply for the crime of having an opinion differing from any of yours that makes you a hypocrite and an absurd waste of time.
**SEGUE!!!!!**
3D movies, until they can come up with a way to get rid of those fucking glasses and let the plot catch up, are a gimmick. A fucking gimmick. I have no money to waste on gimmicks so when I do have money I'll spend it on a good movie like one of Terry Gilliam's or Wes Anderson's. Their movies make me feel good and happy and like I can definitely see them again and again without the regret of cheesy names like "Unobtanium" and shitty acting and plotlines being shoved down my throat. "But," you say "3D is, like, the FUTURE, man! The graphics blew my mind and, like, I'm still dreaming about them and, like, I totally couldn't tell what was, like, for realsies and what wasn't!"
B
Fucking
D, pal. I swear (this may seem like a petty complaint but what are pet peeves for, right?) the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of anyone's mouth was your kneejerk response to my mention of the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus: "Is it in 3D?" Oh go fuck yourself! Do you really think that Gilliam would blow any kind of budget on something so stupid? First of all he knows that people won't watch his movies when he's got shit like Avatar being released at the exact same time, which is a shame but true. Second it's pretty rare that theaters in most states in the US alone will pick up his movies, so he's more likely to lose money if he buys into such a ridiculously expensive gimmick as 3D without any audience to back it up. He knows how retarded the populace has become when shit like Twilight, Miley Cirus, and the Jonas Brothers are considered the biggest names in entertainment. Finally, it's Gilliam for fuck's sake! Can you imagine if 12 Monkeys, Baron Munchausen, or Fear and Loathing were in 3D? To be honest Fear and Loathing would be pretty rad to see in actual 3D once they get it down and a little more polished, but it's still a gimmick and it's still too cheap a thrill to associate with anything good.
Subsequently I would have told your snotty wife to shut the fuck up on the spot if I was in the mood for a fight when she piped up with the gem "Have you seen Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D?" in the most supercilious self-important condescending voice she could manage to yank out of her moldy spiteful ass. That's a pathetic attempt at trying to back up an already weak argument, sweety. And yes, I have seen it in 3D. I enjoyed seeing the film in theaters again for nostalgia's sake but I got a bad headache from the shitty 3D quality and trailing images. It's better in Blu-Ray. Orgasmically so in fact and you sure had to stick your foot in your mouth when I told you as much didn't you? Also you and your pretentious pontificating prick of a husband literally barged into my house that night and I wasn't in the mood for you two either fucking on my furniture or full-on fighting about the dumbest little shit or you acting like a jealous little girl towards me because you can't handle the fact that I wear size five jeans. It's called self control, HUN (which I realize is neither here nor there but worth mentioning anyway since it still pisses me off). So now you guys, being the aforementioned counter-culture Moron ringleaders that you are, are now ignoring me and pretending we never even had a little bit of friendly fun together. Neat. Way to be above and beyond and all that shit you're always saying you are. So don't talk to me about "WAVES OF THE FUTURE" when you can't even progress beyond being grievously affronted by actually being on the receiving end of being put in your place. Assholes.
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