|
If you were logged in, you could vote for this story!
|
Dear Almighty God,
I submit.
You have sent your plagues and trials and I submit. |
| |
I mocked the bands of my youth, and now realize that the worst of them were far better than the shit on the radio today.
I made fun of Ghostbusters II, and had no idea you'd ever send me Twilight III as retribution. I submit.
Praise eternal to your power, and sense of irony. The awe-inspiring vistas of horseshit you have lain before me are impressive indeed. I lie humbled at your feet, regretting my past misspoken thoughts and words.
I mocked Y2K, and you sent this Lex Luthor-style fuckup in the Gulf of Mexico to show us all what a REAL calamity looks like. I joked when the first Gulf War TV Special was over in a fortnight, and you have given us Endless Invisible War Forever in return.
Oh, for a return to Dan Quayle..he was a fine man indeed when contrasted with the wood-dicked shitbleaters we have today. Mercy, please have mercy. Call off your Bachmans and Palins and Emmanuels. Let them tear at my flesh no longer, dear Lord.
Oh, how I long for a return to the days when college kids' awfulness wasn't fractally magnified by cell phones and the web. How wonderful it would be to walk again in a world where nuclear annihilation was our worst-case scenario.
I promise to never again take lightly the gifts you send, be they Wolfgang Press, Darkman, or giant Oreos. Benji and the Alien Prince will always have safe haven in my newly opened heart. New Coke forever if I never see another Pepsi Clear, oh Lord.
I believe, oh Lord. I believe you have the power to make things a billion billion times worse, because you've shown me these things to be only a thousand times worse than their predecessors, and lo they are unbearable to me.
God bless these myriad phenomena and the hands that create them, and keep them sane and whole.
In your infinite wisdom I place my trust in thee.
Amen.
|
|
