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Dear Friend Who Recently Included Me In A Massmail About Your Six Month Old Baby,
Hello! It is good to hear from you; it's been a while, although I do realize you've been busy. Being pregnant is quite an ordeal, and I understand that as a second- or third-string acquaintance of yours, my connection to you may fall off a bit due to more pressing engagements. I'm cool with that, honestly. Once I had a constipated fecal ball that didn't pass for two days, and I sure didn't want to talk to anyone. I can't even fathom not being able to shit for nine months! |
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Thus, as you can imagine, seeing your name in my inbox again was quite a pleasant surprise. I was eager to hear an update on my friend and her adventures since we last corresponded. My heart sank a little when I discovered that I was only one of several dozen recipients, but I steeled myself nonetheless. After all, you are quite the social butterfly, and I can hardly expect you to send personalized updates to everyone.
But then I got to the body of your letter:
Subject: link is entered in a cute baby contest, please vote and often!
sorry for the mass email, but we really want him to win! and he is a very cute baby.
Okay, I see where this is going. We need to draw some parameters right now, friend. Let me be frank: I do not give a shit about your baby. I do not want to hear about your baby. Fuck your baby.
First of all, your baby is not cute. Your baby is six months old, which barely makes him a contiguous organism, let alone a person. He's little more than a statistical mish-mash of ergastic substrates and protoplasm. I know what cute looks like; Zooey Deschanel is cute, and she works very, very hard at it. Your baby hasn't done a millisecond of work in his pathetically short life towards being cute. I defy the cuteness of your baby, and of all babies.
Secondly: Link? Seriously? One has serious doubts about your readiness to be a parent based on this data. What's his middle name, Kid Icarus?
Third, Jesus H Christ, the poor bastard isn't even a year old yet and you're already exploiting him for a $5000 cash payout! Isn't there some kind of child labor law that deal with horrific shit like this?
Oh, but we haven't even gotten to the real crux of the issue yet, which has nothing to do with this lowly genetic lottery nightmare. I see where this is going. Pretty soon it'll be Baby News Weekly, wherein we all get to share the joys of Baby's First Curse Word, Baby's First Photo Of Spaghetti On Head, Baby's First T-Shirt With Cheeky Saying On It ("I was an accident"), Baby's First Twitter Account, etc. etc.
I'm sorry, but I have to draw the line here and now. I don't give a rat's ass about your baby. I don't know your baby, I don't want to know your baby, and I don't consider your baby an upgrade in this friendship we've grown over the last seven years. I need to know about your baby like I need to know about your aunt's gall stone, or your father's parole hearing; sure, fine to bring up in casual conversation, but not something you should be making a concerted effort to print up pamphlets about to document for posterity.
So please, no more hokey horseshit about your baby. If your baby wants my attention, he can email me his damn self. |
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